Joe’s Putty
Steven Wright
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope."We're surrounded."
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch feels real."
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms I never have to go upstairs.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds
My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.